I am writing this now mostly to vent and get things off my chest, not necessarily to have others read it. But I am hoping by writing this, I won't be alone in my feelings and that others can relate and tell me that. And some may be asking, then why write here? I don't have a journal, so that is that.
Today was a rough day for me. I felt like a lousy, horrible mother. All I did was scream and the kids and want them out of my sight. Natalie spent all day in time out it seemed. It was one of those days with your kids that you would be happy to have a kid sale out on the lawn, but then give them away to the first taker. Of course I would never, never do such a thing, but it doesn't mean I don't dream. I love my kids more than anything in the whole world, and when I feel so happy, I am swallowed up in my joy with them. Then there are those days that I resent my life. I resent being a Mom, being married, having to sacrifice and work, when I would so rather do fun things with my family and get more time to myself. I get even less time with Adam in school because he tries to do homework, so I can't ever leave by myself. I feel like I have lost my identity. Nothing is mine anymore, not even my time alone, for it is spent doing things for others and trying to remember everything.
The other day Emma's teacher came up to me and asked me what happened to her library book, because it was all warped. I looked at her in awe, thinking, "how do you expect me to be responsible for every little thing?" It is Emma's book that she can be responsible for. I can't keep track of everything!!!!! I can't keep track of my head some days!
Trying to fit in time to work out anymore has been a joke. I work late, Adam gets up early and is gone all day. Plus is rains so dang much here, you can't do much of anything. Then on mornings Adam says he has to leave early, so I don't plan on getting up, he sleeps in and I could have fit something in. My family makes me so batty sometimes!!!!
Finance has been a major stress. We have gone through so much with trying to sell our pieces of property, to no avail. We thought our lot was going to be a final sale next week, but Adam just told me tonight that the VA, who is approving the guy for a loan, wants us to fork out 10,000 dollars for permits! Bull@#^! They say they will pay us back, but no way am I agreeing to that.
Our house still isn't selling. I know there must be a reason, but it is hard to have faith that there is a reason for things sometimes. It has been a real struggle lately for me. I know the Lord has a plan for us, but I feel like I've done my part in relying on him and still not knowing why things aren't happening for us. To know that we have a way to get out of our financial difficulties, but not to have anything selling for it to happen, has been very trying for me.
I am sorry that I am going on and on, I just thought it might make me feel better to get out my frustrations through writing, but I don't feel any better. If anyone cares to talk to me, and let me know I am not the only horrible, worthless, negative, faithless mom and woman in the world, it would mean the world to me.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Life sucks sometimes
Posted by Stefanek Fam Damily at 12:37 AM
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10 comments:
Girl...welcome to being a mom and wife. We call feel like crap sometimes! It's hard to have faith that everything will work out, let me tell you. Moving here, with no real notice, no jobs when we got here...that was so hard. It will work out one way or another, you just need to remember it's not going to probally work the way you think it will or even should. I remember when Matt first went to school a few years ago, we went through just want you are going through and I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Matt and I sat down and figured it out (he went to school part time cuz he had to) and I felt horrible, but worked out. I hope things get better for you. You aren't a horrible mom and maybe the days that you are at the end of your rope you need to get someone to come over and watch the kids, even for an hour and go running! Love you bunches!!
PS - Lets try to get together for time with just us...let me know what works for you. Love you!
kretha, you are not alone in feeling this way. we all feel like this about our own struggles at time. You are a wonderful mom and wife. so supportive and a trooper for hanging in there. And don't worry, I think we should be allowed to feel those things every now and then. Life is not perfect so we should not be expected to have a smile on our face and do cartwheels all the time. I was just telling this to Aaron last night so don't worry, i'm with ya sister. Sorry things are super tough right now. I'm thinking about ya and really praying that the property sells so other things can ease up for you guys. I'm so sorry and love you so much!
I think your feelings are pretty dang normal! Don't ever feel like you're a bad mom, because you're not...sometimes it seems like there are more bad days than good days! Finances always seem to add double the stress...at least for me, so I can understand that frustration. And the weather, I'm so sorry. Since moving to las vegas I have totally noticed that the sunny weather really is good for me (my sanity). I'm happier and not as easily angered and frustrated. I definitely still have those days, but being able to go outside, or send the kid outside, really helps. I'm sorry you're feeling down. Just know that you're not alone (even though it feels like it), and you're a great mom and wife.
Oh Kretha, I scream at my kids all the time. Well, not ALL the time but believe me, you are not alone. It sounds like you have a lot of people behind you! I banged my head against the wall for 6 months trying to get Jeremy just the right job and every opportunity fell through and we landed it the place and situation that we wanted LEAST and yet it is perfect for us now. I just didn't see it before. Just keep trucking. It will all work out. And if you end up homeless, you can come live with me. :)
in NO WAY are you a horrible mom or wife. we have ALL been there. there have been times when i just want to duct tape the kids together with their mouth shut. just for a little "me" time. a friend and i were talking about this exact thing the other day. if a man feels stress, the whole world has to stop. but us women are supposed to just deal with it, and with a head held high. such a double standard. but please know that you are not alone in the crap. most of us are in the crap right there with you! and it's good to vent! get it out on us instead of the kids and adam. lots of love to you!!!
Kretha. It will be ok. Sometimes it just takes a while to get through these things. I never had the go to school while you have a family stress, but I do know it causes a LOT of stress. But you will get through it. You will (someday) look back and think, WOW, I made it through that and LOOK at us now!! Peter and I do that all the time. Our first year of marraige my old roommate stiffed me $500, and I thought we were going to die because we needed that!!! A few months ago we lost $5,000!!(We loaned some money to a young, dumb teenager ...long story) But you get through it, you move on.. money isn't everything, and somehow, it all works out. We laugh now about that $500 and what it meant to us back then. I am sure some day we will laugh about the $5,000. One thing though, you do need to find SOME time for yourself. Have someone else watch the kids so you can work out, or go to the store without them and then when you DO have that time alone, relish it. It is hard sometimes because you just go back to resentful feelings. But, you have to try to remember . . oh yeah, I got to be by myself for a little while, and it was good. I obviously could talk all day about this stuff. We have all had these feelings, so, you are not alone. Most importantly, this struggle is here to INCREASE your faith. Heavenly Father WANTS you to turn to Him now. It is hard, it is always at the hardest time. But you have to try to rely on him more. Pray more often. :) ALWAYS easier said than done, I know, but it will help. I hope this helps you. Much love to you....
OH!, Kretha, Kretha, Kretha!!! THIS is why you need to call me back. Again. You are not a sucky mom. I had one of those days once and it was called December, January, February, and March. I swear it is all because of cabin fever. Theirs and yours. Take some time for yourself. MAKE it happen. Tell Adam that you need it to be a nice wife. And a good mom. I started painting every other Friday night at a friend's house. I make the bunch some dinner and then I take off. I don't come home until I'm good and ready, and that means after midnight. Maybe you can't do it as often as that, but pick a specific time (3rd Wednesday, whatever.) and use it to get away and do things YOU LIKE to do. We all love our families and we love being mommies, but sometimes it's easier to love something if you get a break from it. Like all this stupid snow (or rain in your case). Yep. Call me.
Seriously though, I have had a few of those days lately. Like this one:
http://aberjaber.blogspot.com/2008/02/whats-really-important.html
Enjoy it.
: )
Hey Kretha!! Every mom in the world has days like this!! I know I am a little late with this comment, but I had to put in my 2 cents. It's probably the same as all the others, but maybe one more will help you realize just how normal this is. What we do is SO hard-not just anybody can do it. We have hard days and feel guilty, the kids forgive us and love us just the same. Its days like these that help us grow and help us define the kind of moms we do and do not want to be. You are a great mom-I've seen it. Keep your chin up. You'll look back on this time and realize how much you grew, in both your faith and as a mom. Keep up the good work and call if you ever need to vent.
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